A still from 'Chargesheet'

Cast: Dev Anand, Divya Dutta, Naseeruddin Shah, Jackie Shroff, a few big bosomed women with undersized brassieres, too many extras

Directed by Dev Anand

Marksheet: Hardcore soft porn

'Chargesheet' will cling to memory for being the single-most traumatic Hindi movie ever. We all feel for the underdogs, the extras on a film set, the sideshow clowns, the people who cumulatively realise crowd scenes in films etc. But our sentiments for these rejects of the entertainment industry would be feeble compared to that of director Dev Anand's, who casts them in lead roles in this film. I mean, he did cast Naseeruddin Shah and Jackie Shroff too. But in a crowd of big bosomed ham cutlets, they're just the seasoning.

The film sets the tone right from the beginning. The big 'Bhai' from Dubai (Naseeruddin Shah) is being serenaded by his favourite keep, Maria. A rain dance number is performed with clothes so minimal that if she had worn nothing, we would've seen lesser than we do. Anyway, like every

Mahie Gill in a still from the movie

Cast: Jimmy Sheirgill, Mahie Gill, Randeep Hooda
Directed by Tigmanshu Dhulia
Rating: *** ½

Some of the best thrillers and edgy cult classics have had one thing in common: their characters could snap at just about anything. And the three lead cast members in 'Saheb Biwi Aur Gangster' (SBAG) are just as deliciously obnoxious and unpredictable to keep you entertained.

The film revolves around the lives of Saheb (Jimmy Sheirgill), a king without a crown, Choti Rani (Mahie Gill), a queen who is as disturbed as she is horny and Bablu (Randeep Hooda), a very ambitious and passionate side-kick. Now with each of them displaying competing levels of eccentricity, it is natural that we would have untimely slaps and any scene can drift from passionate to gruesome without any warning.

Despite being bankrupt, Saheb takes pride in his royalty which is reduced to just his moustache. His chief source of income is now terrorizing government officials for contracts and bumming off from stepmother, 'Badi

Speedy Singhs

Cast: Vinay Virmani, Anupam Kher, Camilla Belle, Gurpreet Guggi, Russel Peters, Noureen Dewulf, Sakina Jaffrey, Rob Lowe, Akshay Kumar

Directed by Robert Lieberman

Rating: **
Sports films have always subscribed to a recipe that guarantees success. A little more or less and you can be assured of indigestion. So here's a list of ingredients needed for a heady brew of clichés:

1.    Every sports movie has to have a lead. Someone who looks, acts, dribbles better than most others in the film. In some cases, he/she is also the only one with an acting background among the cast. Here we have Mickey-Mouse-faced Rajveer Singh (Vinay Virmani).

2.    For no particular reason, the sport our hero pursues so passionately will be one his native country is alien to. Like in 'Lagaan', cricket was an English game which was mastered by the local Indian villagers. Here, Rajveer, who is of an Indian origin, is crazy about ice hockey, a game he picked up while growing up in Canada (in all possible Punjabi

Mausam

Cast: Shahid Kapoor, Sonam Kapoor, Anupam Kher, Aditi Sharma, Supriya Pathak

Directed by Pankaj Kapoor

Rating: *1/2

Mausam can have many taglines. Mausam- 'a season to snooze'. Mausam- 'come fall asleep (with or without recliner seats)'. But the original one sticks best, 'Mausam: a timeless love story…' The ellipses only reinforce that this film might just never end. A tip: carry a day pack comprising essentials when you go to watch it.

A disclaimer at the beginning says that the film doesn't depict true Indian Air Force procedures and tactics. So, dare you roll your eyes when a fighter pilot in the film prepares for an aerial raid by locking and loading his pistol into his holster (in case the missiles get jammed?).

The film opens to a charming village in Punjab called Mallukot, home to our hero, Harry/Harinder Singh (Shahid Kapoor) who is somewhere between Top Cat and village idiot. In true Punjabi spirit, every dialogue begins with 'Dekh oye!' and everyone loves saying 'Haan

A still from 'Mummy Punjabi'

Cast: Kirron Kher, Kanwaljit Singh, Jackie Shroff, Divya Dutta, Viraf Patel, Sachin Sharma, Simran
Directed by Pammi Somal
Rating: Bummer Punjabi

Unlike the wrapped remains of pre-historic Egyptians, the Punjabi mummy has a lot to offer. From hip-shaking jhatkas to jaw-chilling phatkas (slaps), this mother of melodrama, can give any K-serial bahu a run for her money. Cumulatively, 'Mummy Punjabi' compiles an eclectic collection of stereotypes from Hindi films, past, present and even those lost in time.

Set in the semi-metro of Punjab, Chandigarh, the film presents the life and times of Baby (Kirron Kher). Fondly called as Babyji, she is the mother of Simran (who has a misplaced calling for Bolywood) and two sons, Karan (Sachin Sharma) and Arjun (Viraf Patel). They're often seen squinting as Baby squeezes their cheeks while muttering, "Mere Karan-Arjun…". One is a smart-ass doctor and the other a timid club owner. When a mother is called 'Baby', her babies end up being rotten as hell.

A still from 'Bodyguard'

Cast: Salman Khan, Kareena Kapoor, Raj Babbar, Asrani, Mahesh Manjrekar, Aditya Pancholi, Chetan Hansraj

Directed by Siddique

Rating: 0.25

The beauty of a Salman Khan film is that it doesn't claim to be anything but just that. But when you pack in sappy melodrama, clichéd characterisation, a pathetic love story and action scenes choreographed in outer space, not even a Katrina Kaif item number can save the day.

The film is based on the life of a certain Lovely Singh (Salman Khan) who is, (as his name suggests?), a bodyguard. An unshakeable, unbreakable, fighting machine, who leaps out of a train to land on top of another zipping through in the opposite direction. David Blaine: be ashamed, be very ashamed.

Lovely's first vulgar display of power is when he swings by a certain port to rescue a group of girls being trafficked to Thailand in a container. After busting several noses and cracking a dozen skulls, one of the baddies unleashes a huge container that lands on Lovely. But our

Cast: Deepak Dobriyal, Ajay Gehi, Zakir Hussain, Mahie Gill, Mahie Gill's legs, Mahie Gill's freckles, a goldfish, a fishy perverted neighbour etc

Directed by Ram Gopal Varma

Rating: Gruesome

One of the biggest challenges in filming a real life story is that it has already been told. So, how do you make it exciting, unpredictable or entertaining? Also can you really do any of these things without altering the original story? RGV's 'Not a love story' takes reality, slices it into tiny pieces and serves it with bloody sauce. Based on Maria Susairaj and her graphic encounters, this film provides enough visual distractions to have your jaws touching your feet through most of its 105-minute runtime.

For those who haven't bothered to follow the Neeraj Grover case, here's a quick download. The film is about Anusha Chawla (Mahie Gill), an every-girl from small-town India who migrates to Mumbai, hopeful of cutting it into big-bad-Bollywood. In doing so, she leaves behind her obsessively

Cast: Amitabh Bachchan, Saif Ali Khan, Deepika Padukone, Manoj Bajpayee, Pateik

Directed by Prakash Jha

Rating: ** ½

Films about social issues are like primetime debates on news channels, opinionated yet inconclusive. And even 'Aarakshan' neither takes a firm stand, nor provides the way forward.

The story is about a college principal, Dr Prabhakar Anand (Amitabh Bachchan) who's the 'mai-baap', godfather, Big B of Bhopal. Every second cop, lawyer, bank manager etc falls at his feet, having graduated from his prestigious STM institute. He also believes that charity begins from one's verandah, since his doubles as a free coaching class for weak students who belong to faint income homes. His favourite mentee, Deepak Kumar (Saif Ali Khan), a backward-class individual who owes his education to Dr. Anand, also helps out with the balcony classes, apart from teaching in STS. Anand's daughter, Poorbi (Deepika Padukone) seizes this opportunity to get flirty with her father's obedient disciple